Interests:I love everything Middle East, black candles, alternative metal, arabian and latin music, world news, cultures, foreign languages, internet, men/guys, food, literature/poetry,ice skating, bellydancing/salsa, magazines, God and interesting people Expertise:Languages spoken-English, Arabic, Hebrew and some Spanish
and that's about it because I'm dumb as far as everything else is concerned Occupation:Student Industry:Government
you know, i was watching old episodes of felicity, you guys know what i'm talking about?? it was a tv show that i think debut in 1998 although i'm not sure but it was about the college student named felicity porter who was insanely in love with this guy ben who of course was a popular jock with good hair. anyway, she graduates high school and had already planned on attending another university but at the last rush second, she up and follows ben, the man of her dreams, to nyu. i think it was because of something he wrote in her yearbook or some crap like that. anywho, the story follows her journey thru new york, her freaky roommate, the nutty dean and deluca boss(was that the name of that place??)and the over sensitive ra. it just followed her ups and downs and all the drama of "supposed" college life. hmm...yeah well the only thing they got right was the title character, felicity because i can definitely relate to how she saw things and her whole perspective on life in college.
as i've been watching repeats of the show, i can definitely see the similarities of me in her. see, when i first went away to school, to this new place, and these strange ppl who seemed like they came from a different planet, i was really nervous and just questioned everything about who i was, what i knew and how was going to survive the distance from home. home is and will always be my center, but back then i was like a person drowning with no life jacket, you know, i felt as though i couldn't be found. so i kept this journal ok fine diary, call me a baby if you want! yeah, well that tiny book was filled with my thoughts and emotions and every insecurity i had. the hatred for my roommate who always invaded my space, yeah i got space issues and all the crushes i had on certain guys. just useless junk writing that somehow calmed me when i needed it. well felicity kept a tape recorder and sent messages to "sally" who i wasn't sure if sally was her friend or sister. it sounded like she was her sister, you know, just from the way she would talk to her.
so anyway, felicity like myself had a campus job, i got fired no wait let me put it more politely, let go from mine. ummm, when it comes to guys we are pretty much similar except she is somewhat agressive and i'm not so much so (a lot of soes) and she's more emotional than i am, and i'm like a major drama queen when i'm not busy trying to smile to keep from crying. but definitely i can totally relate to her, even now. i'm not a big romantic like her but i do believe in romance with a man who thoroughly deserves it and not some jackass who cares more about his looks and having women chasing him more than he cares about me! just doesn't make sense!
so yeah, i never really got involved in watching the show back then but now, i can appreciate the realness of it. i just don't think that she should have pined over ben all the time. that much work and effort into getting a guy to like you, you ask yourself, is he really worth it? if it were me, the way he treated felicity at times, i know guys look him and i've told them all to kiss my a$$!! no i really did! i would have told ben that but i guess you had to go by script, so.... some men just aren't worth the time of day....they're just not!
p.s. her hair didn't look that bad! i mean, it was short but still curly. i mean, ppl should have seen my jr high pic, now that's bad!!
i know that i haven't done much with this site but post stupid little quizzes about what i am or how much of a brain i don't have or what i look like. all these quizzes about what i'm not and there's no quiz that i have taken that shows me of how great i am just being me. i'm not that old you know, and sometimes well a lot of times i tend to "show" my age...i mean, i act immature and i don't handle things well. in fact, i handle nothing well. my emotions range from high to low, to mild to extreme, to fiery to calm, i'm all over the place and can transition from one end of the emotional spectrum to the next all in a matter of seconds. this brings me to my question....happiness, where is it found and who i know exemplifies(spell check!) the meaning of the word.
see, i think a lot about death not as much as i used to but it still crosses my mind. but as many of you know the worst massacre in history happened at a school not that different from my own. so many lives lost just gone in a second and it makes you think, is life worth living being sad?? has anyone noticed that every persons' life that was lost, was filled with happiness. one boy loved music and he even wrote and sang his own songs. who knows what he could have become, a songwriter i'm sure! there was this girl who was deeply devoted to God, i mean her faith saw her thru the worst of times. God was with her that day, i believe this, and i believe she did as well. then there was the fun loving guy who always made time for his friends. he would come home every weekend to see his mom, he smiled soo much, he had a wonderful smile!
then there was this one girl, she was truly an angel, no i mean like literally, she was the girl with everything! she had a pretty face, a glowing smile and the personality and brains to match. she was a popular girl who loved to dance more than anyone. in fact it's all she did and the last thing she would ever do before she was taken. it's like she came into this world dancing and smiling and then she left this world dancing and smiling. hmm, now everyone knows her name. i wonder if she knew.....just how much soo many ppl really cared about her. i wonder if any of them knew. see how they are all remembered, they were remembered by the lives they led. the footsteps they left behind. there's pieces of their happiness in all their loved ones because that's how their happiness continues to live on.
a brother cries for his sister and yet his eyes are hers, a wife mourns the loss of her once handsome husband, he loved her smile which she never does anymore, if only she knew that she made him happy whenever she smiled. a sister who mourns the loss of her near identical twin, her face is the same as her sister's and yet when someone hears her laugh, the ppl remember her twin who laughed the same way.
a mother and father cry for their beloved daughter who had a heart of gold, the mother can't seem to find joy in anything feeling that her heart can't love anymore. she forgets in her grief that it was her heart that was in her daughter that made everyone love the daughter soo much. a father and sister who grieve for their exceptional son, a father who now feels so lost without his son's beaming smile to guide him, the father forgets in his grief that whenever he looks in the mirror all he has to do is smile and suddenly he has his son back just for a brief second, it's him. the ones left behind tend to want to forget, they close their eyes to make the pain go away. but when you close your eyes, who and what do you see?? when a brother looks into the mirror, whose eyes does he see staring back? when someone sees the grieving sister, whose face does she think everyone sees??
the 32 people who are no longer physically here, are still among us, no they are, there's no forgetting them, why would anyone want to. they were amazing and a talented group of ppl, how can you forget anyone like that? they will always live on, in a smile, in a laugh, in the eyes of a brother and in the heart of a mother, they are still here and may they never be forgotten!
well, i never had real close friends but over the years i have run into some ahem colorful characters....we all have our cliques right? and mine well let's just say we were...umm different to say the least.
jordan: i was seven when i first met him. i luv him, he's silly, funny, goofy. he has this ability to not sweat the small stuff and for an immigrant kid he was pretty smart. even when he used to say that he hated my guts and wished i got hit by a bus...i still knew he loved me too. we were tight like that!
chelsi: i have known her for as long as i have known jordan. i don't know why we were friends cuz she was this obssessed boy crazy fanatic who obssessed about her weight, she only weighed a pound, ppl! in high school she tried out for the cheer squad and guess who she made go with her...me and let me just say that after that first tryout...she never asked me to tag along with her and her new friends again! she could be an annoying pest all he time but she was okay some of the time.
jamal: i thought he was a snob when i first met him. he's opinionated and thinks cuz i'm a girl that i'm clueless about things. he really irritates me but he did give me all those rides to school....hmm, and when i talk he usually listens like when i was telling him about the fight i had with my dad and i was so upset and jamal being the good friend that he is....fell asleep as i was talking to him on the phone. i hung up on him cuz he wouldn't wake up. but still he really is great! he really really is.
umm well that's all my so called "close friends" now we get to the "UNMENTIONABLES", like loudmouth shiri or the "more goth than i was" lara and eric who was an extremely goodlooking clark kent and yet so really into himself! that dude was unbelieveable(spelling has got to improve as i get older, right?) and then there was lilly who i secretly thought she felt she was better than me even tho she said, ange your the best! i inwardly felt like smashing her face in but i didn't! umm, there's been anas, who is uhh hard to figure out but he makes an excellent bodyguard tho. and then there's mohammed, the only one who let me get a word in cuz he never said anything. and then ava and eden who felt i was a goody two shoes freak and i thought they were sluts but we got along just fine anyway. so see there you have it! that was more than one friend, wasn't it?
uhh i came across this while i was browsing or should i say surfing the web....this girl wrote something that kind of struck home with me. like haven't you ever read something that seemed to strike a chord in you. as if, this other person is knowing exactly how you feel without ever actually meeting you?? ok but enough of my bs, this is it.
"it's soo weird and so strange that i have to be the one who defends your nation. i'm angry as well that none of you seem to want to come forward. it's like you are scared or even worse a coward! i just don't get it. what's wrong with defending your nation, your country, your home? what's wrong with speaking out against injustices that are occurring in your homeland, in your village; the pain and suffering of your people never seems to go away. their tales of hopelessness never grows old on the ears of the uninformed.
i don't understand, why you are so afraid. is it really fear?? is it because you are in america and you feel that now you are here, it's ok to ignore your past. your parents' past, their history. or do you feel it's unamerican to speak about what you have seen and have gone thru, what your people have suffered. i say suffer a lot; i don't know how else to describe it. should i say, death, hellish, humiliation, violation or should i be more educated in what i say. is there any other word to use to describe the horror you have seen; the hell that lies outside your door of what used to be your home?
maybe so, maybe your people who still call your nation home and haven't ducked and ran out could give me a better one. but you refuse too. you say, no, i don't trust you and you are american and i don't trust americans with the truth. you say i can't handle it we are not decent enough to know. you shoo me away and say go read about, go watch a documentary. i guess, i'm in your way of recieving your child's free and liberal education, huh!?! i laugh, because yet you don't trust me; am i not the only one who will defend you? on your behalf, risk grade, reputation, friends to speak to others about you and your people. you trust me enough to do that and yet in the same breath, i'm considered untrustworthy?? is that how it works? i'm not in your inner circle so i as a person don't count but yet when your country is attacked, i am it seems "good enough" to represent your struggle and still you trust i speak the truth, huh.
i'm wondering how this can be. you stay in your circle and sit around and talk amongst yourselves, about me about americans about your nation's pride. and then you turn your back and say that i'm not good enough to be a friend, i'm not good enough to trust. what reason have i given you not to trust me? did i say something wrong, did i get your story wrong when i told it to your enemies? was i not emotional enough, did i not cry enough? am i not a good translator? what have i done? tell me now, because i used to think i could trust you, believed what you told me was true. i believed your "bedtime tales". i believed your nightmares, your fears, your hopes and your dreams and i never questioned you, i never argued with you. maybe i am a fool not to. isn't that how you refer to me under your breath? i spoke of your nation's hopes, i told them of the horrors of your past and the dismal present state your country is now in. but i guess my words weren't believeable to anyone. so you gave up on me. i failed your trivial test you gave me.
now i'm finally starting to think, i was such an idiot! you don't care, you could care less! you left there and now you are here and i guess all your wounds are magically healed. the pain just washed away and the scars on your heart have now instantly disappeared. why jeopardize your meal ticket. that's what me and my country are to you. a meal ticket with the perks of living a free and joyful life. a life i know you are not used to. but you have forgotten all of that, haven't you? you forgot what scared you away, sent you runnign with your tail between your legs like the dog they treated you as. you don't think about who made your life and the lives of others like you unbearable to live. it's like all of it never happened, right? you are miraculously cured of all anger, of all your frustrations all of your despair, it washed away when you got your green card and took up residence in my home, in my country. and to think, you feel soo accomplished!
you say i want gratitude, you think i want trust, you feel i should ask you to respect me and pat me on the back telling me what a good little puppet i've been. since i stood by you without you ever being there. maybe at one time i wanted all those things. i wanted you to know that i was there for you; and i knew the truth, your truth, your reality. but i was braver than you ever could be. i defied everything to speak out without ever asking your permission to do so. i stood right at your side and was never silent in spreading your thoughts. i told them every story you told me, i wanted you to know i heard every word you said. it went right to my heart and stayed there for years.
i listened to you and i cried when you did, i died inside the same as you did, i felt the same agony as you felt, your loss was my loss. and my tears never seemed to match yours, they never will and i never expected them to. all i wanted was you to know i understood you. i cared deep enough to feel as you have felt all these years. i cared enough to bring your feelings to light for all the world to see at every chance i got. i screamed when you did and i shouted at them the same as you did. i guess my voice wasn't loud enough, wasn't great enough and yet you grew silent over time refusing to answer any questions about your culture your religion. you hide inwardly, you shrink silently and brush it off as if you were never apart of the resistence you once preached about.
they mock your race, your religion, your family, your nationality, your beliefs, your people, your heart and soul. they mocked you and considered you a monster and even then you remained silent. you are the one who allowed fear and cowardness to take over. you are the one who didn't want your free handouts to go away. you wanted your cookie for being such a good little human! you hold you head down and choke on the words you want to say but are now not man enough to say. you are a mouse who scampers when you are the one who's in the light. i'm always in that very same light and yet when you are hurting, i never scamper away.
you turned your back and covered your mouth until the insults went away. then you look at me with those empty eyes. and blinked it all away while you continued on with your day. only in the safety of your makeshift home did you release your balled up hate. you shout, you pump your fist in the air, you huff and puff but you never blow anything down. don't want that glass house to fall on top of you like the home you once had, that always seemed to crumble. you draw your breath in and drink your eastern coffee and laugh at our ignorance!
how could you laugh?? you were the one who stood there and let them break you down. you let them walk all over you and then you dranked their spit after they were finished making a fool out of you! they beat you with a stick and you told them to hit you some more. you say to the abusers,"i'll never tell." you were the one who kissed ass and kept kissing it and is still kissing ass. kissing ass guarantees your right to be free here. the more asses you kiss the less likely you will be dragged to the dungeon. your "artificial life"just can't be jeopardized, right? i shouldn't be soo shocked, you among the few have kissed ass for years, oh wait a minute! you have forgotten your past, rememberance doesn't come with your green card now does it? now does it?
you and your shiny new identity that you have successfully created for you and your family. ha! it was us who gave you the chance, and yet you bite our hands. the few of us who actually see you as human beings. how ironic! what do i know, right? here's what i know, i'm tired of being your mirror. i'm tired of putting myself out there to be your holy messenger! if you don't care, then why should i? if you don't want to speak out, then why should i? i'm not your puppet anymore!!! go back to where you came from and grow a spine, gain some backbone and gain some strength. maybe then and only then can you reveal who you really are and all the horrors you've seen and known. and maybe then you will finally SPEAK."~unknown
